It’s me, Tanvi!
18th July, 2008
‘OH MY GOD!!!!!’
My first words after reading so called ‘Project Details’! Finally! Wow! Shit! It can’t be! It’s not possible! Is it? I know this. Do I? Is it a joke? No! What? Is it real? Wow! No! Wait a minute. Let me read it again.
Finally I understood how the infinite loop taught in computer programming can be so frustrating. I was reading that again & again and same questions were popping in my mind again. I was so happy, so scared, so relieved, and so confused. All the feelings were playing tug of war with my heart being the rope. Why am I so shocked? I knew this was going to happen. I knew what he felt for me. I knew everything. Didn’t I?
But, why now? Finally I made myself believe that what I felt was ‘nothing’. After more than a year of fighting with myself I made it clear for myself that it’s just an illusion. I don’t like him neither do he likes me. I don’t have feelings for him; rather I can’t have feelings for him.
Thinking about him all the time, waiting for his messages all the time, check again and again if he is online, waiting for just another visit... But, I can control my feelings. Obviously. Those are my feelings. And I’ll decide if I want to like someone or not, if I love someone or not. It’s my decision. It should be. But, what is this feeling I’m having in the pit of my stomach now? Why am I feeling so confused and yet so jubilant?
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