Season 2: Episode VII

Project details!

            Finally the daylight showed mercy and let the sun rise up from the horizon. I never felt so eager to go to college. As soon as I got there, my eyes were searching for Adi. I grabbed the “project details” from him. I had no idea what it contained.

In the morning, I was just waiting to get to the college and now, I couldn’t wait for college to get over. I hated having four lectures that day. Four long lectures. Why do they have to make attendance compulsory? Those were the longest lectures I have ever attended. I was just waiting for the bell to ring and as soon as it announced end of the class, I was out of there, on the way to home.

            Spying in my own house, to confirm that everyone is busy in their own work, I slowly and carefully I opened the package. I am sure, if you were there, it must have appeared to you as if I was diffusing a bomb. I never believed movies could be so close to reality. Wasn’t I behaving stupid?

The bomb was diffused; I opened the package! And I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I must have been stunned at that place for more than half an hour I guess. All those sketches! I was just staring at those sketches. I could see nothing else. Is that really me? Was I so lucky to find someone who loves me so much? He did all this for me? How did I feel looking at myself through his eyes? Blessed!!! I thought, maybe this is what they call love.

            And then, if the sketches were not enough, the small book of poems. I must have read that hundreds of times. Again, I went through his mail. I was feeling so weird, so good.  Honestly, I just can’t explain that feeling.

            Another anxious, sleepless night.

            I spent the next day trying to write my answer. I accepted all my feelings and without thinking of anything else, I just thought about what my heart felt, and penned that down. Telling him everything, all the truth that I hid for so long, it was such a huge relief for me, except many butterflies in my stomach. I swear you won’t understand this phrase unless you experience it, butterflies in stomach.

            Another sleepless, lonely night. Lonely, yet crowded with hundreds of memories.

            Next day, before leaving for college I pressed the send button and millions of electrons travelled hundreds of miles to Mihir, carrying the message of my heart. I don’t remember anything what I did that day in college. I wasn’t in best of my senses, neither was I living in the real world. I was just floating in my dream world.

But, how stupid is he? No message yet? At least he could have messaged me. Has he read the mail yet or not? At least something from him. Was the mail sent successfully? Should I call him? Uhhmmm…

            The bell rung again and I rushed back to home, jumped on the computer and checked my mailbox. No new mails… It’s been hours. Really? I feel like years have passed already. Has he read or he hasn’t? Should I message him, or just wait till he reads th……..

            Tring tring… Tring tring…

My cell phone screamed again. Is it Mihir? It has to be. What am I going to say? What is he going to say? What should I do? What should I say? I ran towards my cell phone,

‘Akriti calling’, the screen said. Hmmm! So, it’s not over. This long wait is still not over. What is he doing? Why hasn’t he replied yet? I was getting just so angry.

“Hello…”, I picked up the call and said.

            “Hey! Tanvi! Guess what… Mihir is here. He wants to meet you…………”

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

Season 2: Episode VI

18^th July

Tinntin! Tinntin! My phone screams out, ‘One new message!’

Mihir Doot… Hmmm. Again, the same feeling. Increased heartbeats of nervous heart with a little fear, eager yet reluctant brain and angel-devil minds battling each other. Wasn’t everything going well, since we were in no contact for last 10 days now?

            So, open it? NO. I don’t want to. Obviously, I want to. Press any of the buttons right now! Exit or Open! Enough is enough and I opened the message, saying, “Check your email. I’ve sent you some information about a project & Adi has the material related to that.”

 Confusion! What project? I asked him what he was talking about. But, he seemed much more confused than me. J. Both of us knew, we hadn’t talked about any such thing. And for every question, he was repeating only one line, ‘just check it out’.

I was in college, attending lectures then. And as soon as the bell rang, I rushed home, eager to read the mail. Thanks to the inventor of broadband. I din have to wait much longer after turning on the computer. Inbox! Title, “Read it when you are alone…”

What is this? Schematics of nuclear bomb? India’s strategic plan? Or ISI hit list? Ahhh!!! My dad was sitting right there behind me. I was counting each and every passing second, desperately waiting for my dad to leave the room. Tick tock, tick tock. Clock running ahead, teasing me with the theory of relativity. Finally, after ages of waiting, dad left the room. And like a hungry tigress, I jumped to open the mail.

Why can’t you ? ?

Why can’t you see, I want you . .

Why can’t you ? ?

Why can’t you see, I love you . .

 

Is this real? Is this what I am thinking it is? Is this what I was hoping for? I knew, I should read further to know, but I kept reading these lines tonnes of times. Trying to find out if it is a dream??????

Wake up Tanvi… WAKE UPPP!!!

I started reading further. After reading a few lines, I thought, is this a prank? Maybe, another one of his jokes? I swear I would have killed him if that was the case. Shit, Shit, Shit! I cursed myself with every passing word. I knew all this! I knew each and everything! His visits, his messages, and all those poems… Everything, everything was for me…

            He simply summarized the gist of everything like,

 

I just wanna know
if you feel the same…
I just wanna know
do you feel my pain??
I just wanna know
in this shower, in the rain,
I just wanna know
Will you say it, when??

 

& finally, now that I know you know everything… I’ll be waiting for the answer to that when…

 

            Turmoil of thoughts! But why? I was expecting this, right? I knew all this beforehand.

‘No, it was just an illusion. I didn’t like him.’ All my efforts, all the reasons I produced to satisfy my brain, have everything failed? What am I feeling exactly? And why am I feeling this? Why exactly all this happened? Who is responsible for this? From the start, till the end, all flashback went through my mind. So many indications from his side that I never understood, so many little sweet incidents, so many ups and downs. What was I thinking all this while?

And now, why am I feeling so, so, so, so happy??? Confusion! Joy! Fear! Happiness! Love! What is it?

I read that mail again and again, again and again, till I was sure I wasn’t day dreaming, till I was sure that it was not a joke, till every little thing between us made clear sense to me, how much he loved me.

            Wow, wow, wow!!!!! I clicked on reply immediately & first I assured him that whatever happens, nothing can ever break our friendship now.

I wanted some time for myself. Because I didn’t know how to react. It was really overwhelming and I was clearly in a shock. I was still afraid of making any decision. I knew my family would never accept this. I badly needed to talk to somebody.

            Akriti, the right person for this moment; one of my best friends, who is always calm, who can always think clearly, someone who could process anything and everything with a cool mind.

            I told her everything. Right from the beginning, till the end. And in return, she only asked, “Then what are you waiting for?”

            What was I waiting for? Does she really thinks I know the answer or what? What was I waiting for?

‘Mihir, why did you come in my life? You brought so many questions with you, which are still unanswered.’ 

            That night, I just couldn’t sleep. Grrr, kkkrik, grrr, krrrik. All the machines in my brain were being utilized to their maximum capacity. Trying to process each and every small event, chats, little discussions, messages, all the meetings with him, this mail… The question now was, what do I want, and not what everybody else wanted. Why have I been so ignorant towards my own feelings for so long? Why? Sometimes I feel, my problem is that I think too much.

            Well, yet the ‘project details’ were waiting for me and as the time was passing by, the moon was the only lone, silent witness in that anxious night…

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

Season 2: Episode V

Let’s get back to 18^th July!

It was really getting complicated. Was it? Clearly, I liked Mihir. But now, I wasn’t sure whether he still liked me or not.

With all the confusion, or whatever that was, Mihir’s story and my story had combined chapters again and again. During the winter holidays, during his visits to Pune, completely unexpected encounter at technical festival of PICT, and lots of other incidents. All those encounters… They used to make me crazy. Trying to keep calm, hiding surge of emotions, controlling my heartbeat, stopping my eyes from chasing him… It was a torture. Everytime he came, he brought all the emotions with him that my heart wanted to avoid desperately.

Sometimes, it was just so difficult to face him. At moments, I could not help my heart at all. He came to my college once, giving a stupid reason that he was there to pick up Adi. Whom was he kidding? Was there a chauffeur for Adi to pick him up everyday, who took a leave for the day? And if so, then why did he tell me thrice that he’ll be coming?

But, calendar moves on. And then came the Valentine’s Day. Tinntinn! Tinntinn! ‘1 message received’. Obviously Mihir’s. What’s coming with this message now? Another storm? Another ‘maybe he does, maybe he does not’? Another ‘is it possible’? Another duel of mind and heart? Can’t wait anymore. Let’s clear it out.

Ouch! With every line my heart was beating so hard that I felt it’ll explode. The message! A simple and very sweet rhyme… Did he write it for me? It was about Valentine’s Day, describing the beauty of a rose and friendship (that we shared?), Reminding me of Kuch Kuch Hota Hai - ‘Pyaar dosti hai.’ His words made me understand the heart of this movie in an instant.

And at the end of that rhyme a small note pouring out his heart… ‘A rose for this beautiful rose……’ Yet, he did not complete the sentence mentioning what he should have.

But, surely, surely he likes me! He still likes me! That message was a clear sign spilling his heart out.

Now what? I know it. But now what? What should I do? Nothing! The truth was, I was afraid to fall in a relationship again. What if I am cheating myself again? What if I’m making a wrong choice again? ‘What if’... This question became a part of my life, always making things worse for me.

And now, throwing this ‘what if’ out of my life, after a summer of little avoiding each other and some encounters, suddenly, that was it. Finally, everything was clear in front of my eyes. No more secrets and everything, crystal clear.

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

Season 2: Episode IV

Some things change and some things don’t!

 

            Mihir was out of my life and I thought that it’ll be very easy to forget him now, and one day, a friend of mine, Omkar, told me that he likes me. I had no idea what was happening in this universe. What should I do? Do I like him? Do I like Mihir? What about him? What to do?

            ‘Oh come on Tanvi! Mihir is a lightyear away from you and maybe, he has forgotten about you already.’

            ‘But then, he does message me everyday, even though I’m trying to stick to my decision to stop being in contact with him. He still thinks about me.’

            ‘Are you stupid? There is no way in heaven to know what’s in his heart and there is hardly any chance with two of you thousands of miles apart from each other to know it. Nothing is possible now.’

            ‘But, what if he feels the same way about me?’

            ‘Same way? You cannot have feelings for him. You have no feelings for him. You cannot like Mihir.’

            ‘Really? Then why am I thinking about him so much?’

            ‘Tanvi, get back to your senses. There is a guy who is knocking at your heart, who is saying he likes you and how could all you can think of is Mihir?’

            ‘Then certainly there is something wrong, isn’t it?’

            Duel! Illogical or Dillogical? The duel went on and on in my mind. What to do, what to do? I had no idea what was I supposed to do, what I wanted. And…

            And finally I said YES. And yet, I was not really sure whether I really liked him or not. It was a reaction given by my rebellion mind. My confused heart. Rebellion, as I wanted to break the rules, get revenge with my parents for what happened during admissions. My family is what is most important for me, closest to me. And they betrayed me and now it was my turn to betray them. Confused! I knew Omkar for as long as I knew Mihir. But whether I like Mihir? Whether Mihir likes me? Whether I like Omkar?

            All those questions were still unanswered. I thought, it’s the best way to forget Mihir completely. Days passed and I thought I was happy with my life and everything was great again… There was hardly any contact between both of us, between Mihir and me.

One day, he sent me some kind of ‘survey form’ to me. A survey form asking, do you believe in love? Have you ever been in love? And other questions like this. I was surprised and a little doubtful, but when Mihir insisted, I decided to fill the form and I hoped that Mihir would read this form. I wanted him to know that I’m in a relationship. And I’m really happy with it. It was not something that I would do. I hardly told anyone anything about us, but I wanted Mihir to know this. I really did not know why I wanted to do that.

            One day, suddenly, as if struck by a lightning bolt, I remembered Akshata saying something, when we were in junior college. She used to give me clues about Mihir. She told me once, that there was some guy who waited outside our class for a long time just to see me. She never really told me who it was. And now, I really needed to know who that guy was. I had too. I called up Akshata. At that moment I had no idea what I wanted to hear. Somehow I asked her about that so called rumour.

            Mihir. That mystery guy was Mihir. I was kicking myself. I should have been angry on him after knowing this, and yet I was feeling happy to know that, that guy was him. Come on Tanvi, you accept the truth now. You like him. All this time you know it and yet you kept neglecting this fact.

            It was pretty clear that he liked me. But, now how can I know whether he still likes me? Maybe he does, maybe does not. It was so stupid of me in the first place to say yes to Omkar. And now when I knew that Mihir also liked me and maybe still likes me, how could I forget him? I certainly needed to talk to Omkar.

            Next day, we talked and I was imagining what Mihir would have answered here. Again and again he was coming into my mind. It made me realize, I was cheating all three of us by staying in this relationship. I cannot be with someone, when I had someone else on my mind all the time.

            Finally, in an attempt to bring back peace of my mind, I broke up with Omkar… And yet again, I was back to the square one…

TO BE CONTINUED . . .