Season 2: Episode VI

18^th July

Tinntin! Tinntin! My phone screams out, ‘One new message!’

Mihir Doot… Hmmm. Again, the same feeling. Increased heartbeats of nervous heart with a little fear, eager yet reluctant brain and angel-devil minds battling each other. Wasn’t everything going well, since we were in no contact for last 10 days now?

            So, open it? NO. I don’t want to. Obviously, I want to. Press any of the buttons right now! Exit or Open! Enough is enough and I opened the message, saying, “Check your email. I’ve sent you some information about a project & Adi has the material related to that.”

 Confusion! What project? I asked him what he was talking about. But, he seemed much more confused than me. J. Both of us knew, we hadn’t talked about any such thing. And for every question, he was repeating only one line, ‘just check it out’.

I was in college, attending lectures then. And as soon as the bell rang, I rushed home, eager to read the mail. Thanks to the inventor of broadband. I din have to wait much longer after turning on the computer. Inbox! Title, “Read it when you are alone…”

What is this? Schematics of nuclear bomb? India’s strategic plan? Or ISI hit list? Ahhh!!! My dad was sitting right there behind me. I was counting each and every passing second, desperately waiting for my dad to leave the room. Tick tock, tick tock. Clock running ahead, teasing me with the theory of relativity. Finally, after ages of waiting, dad left the room. And like a hungry tigress, I jumped to open the mail.

Why can’t you ? ?

Why can’t you see, I want you . .

Why can’t you ? ?

Why can’t you see, I love you . .

 

Is this real? Is this what I am thinking it is? Is this what I was hoping for? I knew, I should read further to know, but I kept reading these lines tonnes of times. Trying to find out if it is a dream??????

Wake up Tanvi… WAKE UPPP!!!

I started reading further. After reading a few lines, I thought, is this a prank? Maybe, another one of his jokes? I swear I would have killed him if that was the case. Shit, Shit, Shit! I cursed myself with every passing word. I knew all this! I knew each and everything! His visits, his messages, and all those poems… Everything, everything was for me…

            He simply summarized the gist of everything like,

 

I just wanna know
if you feel the same…
I just wanna know
do you feel my pain??
I just wanna know
in this shower, in the rain,
I just wanna know
Will you say it, when??

 

& finally, now that I know you know everything… I’ll be waiting for the answer to that when…

 

            Turmoil of thoughts! But why? I was expecting this, right? I knew all this beforehand.

‘No, it was just an illusion. I didn’t like him.’ All my efforts, all the reasons I produced to satisfy my brain, have everything failed? What am I feeling exactly? And why am I feeling this? Why exactly all this happened? Who is responsible for this? From the start, till the end, all flashback went through my mind. So many indications from his side that I never understood, so many little sweet incidents, so many ups and downs. What was I thinking all this while?

And now, why am I feeling so, so, so, so happy??? Confusion! Joy! Fear! Happiness! Love! What is it?

I read that mail again and again, again and again, till I was sure I wasn’t day dreaming, till I was sure that it was not a joke, till every little thing between us made clear sense to me, how much he loved me.

            Wow, wow, wow!!!!! I clicked on reply immediately & first I assured him that whatever happens, nothing can ever break our friendship now.

I wanted some time for myself. Because I didn’t know how to react. It was really overwhelming and I was clearly in a shock. I was still afraid of making any decision. I knew my family would never accept this. I badly needed to talk to somebody.

            Akriti, the right person for this moment; one of my best friends, who is always calm, who can always think clearly, someone who could process anything and everything with a cool mind.

            I told her everything. Right from the beginning, till the end. And in return, she only asked, “Then what are you waiting for?”

            What was I waiting for? Does she really thinks I know the answer or what? What was I waiting for?

‘Mihir, why did you come in my life? You brought so many questions with you, which are still unanswered.’ 

            That night, I just couldn’t sleep. Grrr, kkkrik, grrr, krrrik. All the machines in my brain were being utilized to their maximum capacity. Trying to process each and every small event, chats, little discussions, messages, all the meetings with him, this mail… The question now was, what do I want, and not what everybody else wanted. Why have I been so ignorant towards my own feelings for so long? Why? Sometimes I feel, my problem is that I think too much.

            Well, yet the ‘project details’ were waiting for me and as the time was passing by, the moon was the only lone, silent witness in that anxious night…

TO BE CONTINUED . . .